Tuesday, December 30, 2014

To The Little Owl

I'm sorry for all the annoying, awkward, weird things i do to you. Just know that I do it out of love. Your a pretty freaking amazing person, and even more amazing that you put up with me. Lets make this year worth while, I'll try to be less annoying, I promise. I'll get over the things I need to get over.


Monday, November 3, 2014

Well hi,

breathing has become a thing that I need to remember to do.

That is really frustrating.

Here are some things that keep me breathing:

Music. By far number one is music.

Reading. Shakespeare, and Harry Potter.

Really cute old couples. There is a quintessential cute old couple in my ward that is moving. I've never cried because of someone moving, but this might be the first. That is a lie, I cried for Ben and Amy.

Christmas music. Just the music does the trick.

Day light savings. In the Fall of course.

My bed.

My family.

My dogs.

My friends.

Trees. They inspire me. And give me air.

These things remind me to breathe, they remind me that life is worth living. Now I just need to stop living, and start LIVING.











Sunday, September 28, 2014

Quote III

"I'm not a river or a giant bird
That soars to the sea
And if I'm never tied to anything
I'll never be free

 
I wanted magic shows and miracles
Mirages to touch
I wanted such a little thing from life
I wanted so much
I never came close, my love
We never came near
It never was there
I think it was here

They showed me crimson, gold and lavender
A shining parade
But there's no color I can have on earth
That won't finally fade
When I wanted worlds to paint
And costumes to wear
I think it was here
'Cause it never was there"

~Pippin


Sunday, September 14, 2014

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Life Is But A Dream

          I used to think that time was important. I thought I needed to hold on to the future, and nothing else. Then you walked in, and time slowed down. But then you left, and time sped up again, and all this time has passed and I can't stop thinking about time, and the way that it always moves. I don't want to have to think about time because I already have enough on my calendar.
          I love you, I have always loved you, and I am willing to love you forever. Time doesn't matter when love is involved. Nights will extend for lifetimes, and the moon will shine full all the while. It will always be Fall, with the fire and the blankets and the warm drinks.
          But right now, you are gone, and time is as fast as a roadrunner, and the sun is shining bright. It is way too hot, and you are making me run way too fast, and I think I am going to pass out. But maybe if I catch up with time, I'll catch up with you.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Things I Love: Part 1

*The feeling that comes right after tons of company leaves, and the house is silent and still.
*Going to my loft to read or listen to music or just think.
*The twinkle of tiny lights amid the black night.
*Brushing my teeth.
*Breathing in the warm air when taking a shower.
*Listening to a really good song for the first time.
*Coming home and having my dogs greet me like it's been 10 years since they last saw me.
*Having a really good, long, nondramatic, talk with a friend about ideas rather than other people.
*Hot drinks in the Winter and cold drinks in the Summer.
*The first dive into a swimming pool.
*Having a baby say your name.
*The 4th of July.
*Going on a walk.
*Laying on the grass in my front yard while waiting to be picked up.
*Not having pneumonia. Which I can't get rid of for some reason.
*Waking up without an alarm clock. Probably the most relatable one on the list.
*Going to the grocery store.
*Walking through a book store.
*Strawberries or tomatoes from my yard.
*Cooking something new and having it be heavenly.
*Watching ANY Disney or Harry Potter movie.
*Remembering random childhood memories.
*Being really tired and finally getting into bed.
*When less time has passed than actually thought.
*Getting out of the car after driving for a few hours.
*Accomplishing something that took a lot of work.
*Polishing a song on the piano/guitar/vocal chords.
*Drinking a full glass of water when it has been desperately needed for a long time.
*Meditating, or those moments where all you are thinking about is your breathe.
*Seeing a Shakespeare play, any of them really.
*Riding a horse.
*Visiting new places, and the memories that follow.
*When people let you know that you have touched their lives.
*When people touch your life.
*Dole pineapple whip at Disneyland.
*Violins, those times when they swell.
*Waking up early and getting started on things right away. (This is rare, but wonderful thing).
*My parents' humor.
*Eclipse spearmint gum.
*Mint juleps.
*Zoos.
*Reading blog posts that make you sit for a second, dumbfounded about the beauty that you just read.
*Jane Austen. I know...I know...        ...also Downton Abbey...
*Meeting really kind, selfless people.
*Flying in an airplane.
*Playing games with friends like we are 7 year olds.
*Temple square at Christmas time.
*Temple square at Springtime.
*I Love Lucy, The Andy Griffith Show, and Bewitched.
*Being home alone.
*Hearing my aunt tell a story, and seeing her get WAY too into it.
*Being outside in the middle of the night, but so warm that you don't even need a jacket.

*Last but certainly not least, the sky. I am utterly obsessed with the sky. Every time you look at it, it's different. Every sunset is unique, and the texture of clouds are always random. I remember one time there was a storm, and half the sky was purple, and the purple swirled together with the storm clouds making a grayish purple monster beside the East mountain line. The middle of the sky was bright blue and the sun was setting making the west a piercing red. I hope you aren't getting too tired of me talking about the sun, I know a few of you might be. But I will never stop talking about the sun, for without it, this world, and all that we know, would be gone.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Threads and Summer and Balloons and Canyons

  I'm off to the last road trip of the Summer. Now I can reflect on everything. This Summer was nothing like last Summer and I don't want to talk about it, but I wish this one could have been more like last year's. My skin is starting to peel from my sunburns/tans revealing the pale white that my skin will be for the next 9 months. Unlike last Summer, this one seems like a weekend, and now it's Sunday night and I just now remembered about all the homework I'm supposed to do. The whirlwind of events that have made up this Summer is a blur of regrets with few achievements. I've gotten scared of a lot of things lately, and one of them is that I'm going to be alone this next year. People are leaving my life, and even though I put my all into trying to get them back, it's not working. I'm losing it all. My friends, my parents, my wings, and my mind.
          Whenever my family goes places, the waiter/person greeting us/cashier always asks, "How are you?" and my dad always says jokingly, "oh, I'm hanging in there." But that is usually my actual answer these days. I'm hanging in there by a thread, a strong thread, but a thread none the less.


          I took a trip to the heavens yesterday, and let me tell you, it was quite a neat experience. Stars surrounded me, and I felt like anything was possible if I let it happen. It will be quite a long time until I get to go there again, but I was glad that I could go for a little bit yesterday. It helped me get my bearings straight in this crazy life.
          Meet me tonight in dream land. Let's escape this world for a little, and dream. Close your eyes with me so you can learn more about me than you already know. Let's have magic, let's go flying, let's defeat scary giants with our fire powers. Let us taste each other's lips. Let's drink from the shimmering water and play with the talking fish and create a world of our own. Let's have a three dimensional connection.
  The Summer is not even close to being over in my mind. Hailey, we need to remember to go up in the canyon like those cool kids. Haley, we need to have Ardon play ghost in the graveyard in your basement so that he knows what it means to be scared. Trevor, we still need to do something before you leave, Dom too. Kira, we need to watch Downton Abbey and I Love Lucy. Daria, I need to take you to the Tin Angel.

It's not over yet folks, we still have a week left. Let's make the most of it.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Black Folder

      Your so called "black folder" is so unattractive. I cringed when you first told me about it. We all have our "black folder" but some of us let it consume us. You have let it consume you. I want to help you so desperately, but you have to let me in. Try to remember who you are, for that person was beautiful inside and out. You are not the person that you used to be, and I'm one of those people who believe that there is still a bit of your old self in there somewhere.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Please Little Lamb...

        I know you aren't trying to hurt me, but that is what is hurting me the most. Can't you see that I treasure every moment I'm with you? I still have the letter you gave me a year ago, and I read it constantly. I bet you didn't know that I still have it. I don't even know if you remember writing it. Reading it makes me feel so complete. For the one minute that I read it, I actually feel like I've made an impact on someone's life. Then the words fade, and with it, the grand feeling. I want to believe that those words are still true, but it's starting to look just like ink on paper to me.
        Sometimes people leave you, halfway through the wood, but some will fade in and out. We have one year left until you fade out, and I hope you can fade in for some of the time before that. My biggest fear is regret. Don't make me regret our distance this next year. I love your honesty, your smile, your love, your realness. I thought I didn't need to put on a big show for you to stay, I still don't think I do, but that's what I'm doing right now. Please please please stay. I have this gut feeling that you are still supposed to teach me something. Or I'm suppose to teach you something, and you can't just ignore gut feelings. I know you don't see it as throwing everything away, but that is completely how I see it. I don't want to leave on a bad note. I want to leave feeling complete, good, finished. Not with my mouth agape with wonder, confusion, and regret. I hate that word: regret. Please please please don't be my biggest regret.

I felt ok holding you,
I didn't feel fire but I felt comforted,
You are the lost lamb that can't be found,
Just as I find you,
You run away again.

Now I'm lost looking for you,
The worry that your gone for good,
The feeling that I need to look a little harder,
The regret that I hope won't follow.

Please be one less regret in my life.

 


Sunday, August 3, 2014

Goodbye

          The most painful goodbye is one that is not explained. So here it goes...


To the Demons,
        Nobody likes you, go home.
Love,
Jack


To the person I've never met,
        I used to be like you... no, I really did. I assumed things like crazy, but I've learned the simple but completely true statement: "there is more to people than meets the eye." I used to use just my eyes, but then I learned how to use my heart. It's really fun, I would try it sometime.
Love,
The person you hate


To the girl who once was on fire,
        You used to radiate light, now you radiate something else, and I feel like I now why. I just hope I'm wrong. My advice: don't let their mistakes define them, look at how they recover. I'm sick of saying sorry, so I'm going to say goodbye.
Love,
Your igniter


To the girl with the hatred,
        You wish people would change, I wish that you would find people that you don't think need changing.
Love,
The person you stole from


To the man with his mouth on fire,
        You have taught me many valuable lessons, but I think that the semester is over. I hope we can meet again under a different light.
Love,
Your biggest fan


To the red shirt,
        I don't want to say goodbye, but it's for the better. We will meet again soon.
Love,
Jack


To the balloon,
        Let out some air, it might be good for you. De-stress yourself man, there is no reason for all this hot air. Let it out slowly, I'll see you soon.
Love,
The needle


To the girl who can't sort out her priorities,
        I've pretty much never seen you do anything for anyone else. Everything is about you. You need to sort out what is important. Serve others, and work hard for things you believe in. Take these two things, please.
Love,
Your friend


To the person I thought I knew,
        You tricked me, and I feel dooped. I thought your heart was warm, but it turned out it was cold as moonlight.
Love,
That person you are trying to forget


To the small one,
        When you see me, you jump up and down and scream and laugh. I guess it's all just a performance, and I don't like just being your audience. I wish we could have just been equals.
Love,
The person you forgot.


To the wasted time,
        Life is too short for time that is not spent doing something productive. Hard work is challenging but it is one of the most rewarding things that I can do.
Love,
Jack


 










Wednesday, July 16, 2014

What Am I...

What I see...
        I see the beautiful sunset. It's orange and pink. The sky above me is a lovely blue, and behind me, it's a delicious purple sprinkled with twinkling lights. Cars are driving past me, and the lights flash on me for a split second making me feel very exposed.

What I hear...
        I hear crickets, which make me very happy. I also hear the sprinklers in people's yards, which also makes me happy. I hear some loud voices a few houses over, which is kind of weird. I can hear the cars on the highway just outside the neighborhood. Overall, it's a quiet sort of sound.

What I smell...
        I smell Summer. Words can not describe how happy this makes me. It just smells so clear and fresh. I love filling in my lungs full of the wondrous scent. I hope it's doing good for my lungs.

What I remember...
        I remember my childhood. Looking at the different houses and the different winding roads, I'm reminded of my fights, my quarrels, but also my fun. Just across the street, there lives a kid the same age as me. We used to be best friends when I moved here, but we haven't talked since seventh grade. This makes me sad, but I don't regret knowing him, because it's what I needed at that time. I remember when I used to ride my bike every single day of the Summer, and all I wanted to do was play.

What I feel...
        I feel peace. Which is a big difference from just a few hours ago. I'm outside in my favorite time of day, in my favorite time of year. Nothing can beat a sunset on a Summer night. I really do feel peaceful right now. I don't know if it's because of what I am seeing, or hearing, or smelling, or the fact that I'm not really doing anything right now, but I love this feeling. I haven't had a moment like this in a long time, I need to have more of them.

Who I am...
        My name is Jack Hoffer, I know why I'm here, I know what I'm supposed to do, and I know where I am going. Hard decisions will need to be made, but I will have help. I am peaceful, I am strong, and I can find people that will help me the most.

        The sunset is now gone, leaving just a hazy light blue. I feel cold, and the smell is less bright...But I am still peaceful. Just because the sunset leaves, it doesn't mean the peace has to leave too. Just learn to be a peaceful person, take time for yourself, and try to find it. No matter what you want in life, you can achieve it. And I promise that if you really want peace, all you have to do is look, and you will find it.

 
 
 



 

 

 


 
 
 
 


Always remember, never forget.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Quiet

My heart is clouded and confused. It used to beat with a certain joyous rhythm, but the beats have become unsteady. I'm just waiting for it to get back to its normal tempo like it always does, but it hasn't yet. You need to help me to remember to breathe, slowly and steadily. I just get scared so easily, and it makes me feel like my heart is jumping out of my chest. I need you. I need to have someone to be open with and feel safe with. I need to start over, and I want you there with me. I don't feel lonely, or at least I shouldn't feel lonely. I need to achieve my balance again, but it's quite hard with my eyes closed.
       
I'm doing my best to open my eyes at this moment. It's a little hard because they have been shut for so long. I just need to try a little harder...

*********************************************************************************        

Wow. This world is beautiful. There are so many colors. My eyes are dripping, it's been a long time since I have looked around.

Its so warm and quiet. Not silent, but quiet. "Like the sound of a page being turned in a book, or a pause in a walk in the woods... Like the sound when you lie upside down in your bed. Just the sound of your heart in your head." -Matilda.

And the beating of my heart is steady. And I'm breathing. And the people yelling... the sounds... I can't hear them.

And I'm warm, and its quiet.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Thank You

This is the first time I've ever done one of these types of posts. However, through doing this, I have learned that there is a lot of things and people in this world to be grateful for.

Thank you Heeley. You have helped me see the world in a different perspective, more different than I ever would if I didn't know you.  You are so creative, your creativeness leaks out of you wherever you go, I try to salvage as much of it as I can for myself.  Sometimes it works, but its hard.  You are a true friend, thank you so much, I love you.  You are such an amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, bad*** girl.

Thank you arDON. You are such an inspiration to me. Just as Heeley's creativeness leaks from her, your kindness and generosity leak from you.  You can never be thanked enough for all that you do for others.  I love that you are my friend, and that I can rely on you for anything. Seeing you happy and smiling, makes me happy too. I love you arDON.

Thank you Kay Kay. You brighten my day by like ten notches when I see you. My mom asked me who out of my friends is the best influence on me and I said you.  You make me want to be a better person, and thats more than I could ask anyone for. We need to have a scheduled Dear Lizzie run every week or something because I cherished that one time. Thank you for your humbleness, it helps me to be more humble. I love you Kay Kay. Thank you for being a wonderful friend.

Thank you REALLY!?. We've gone through a lot haven't we? And I wanted to thank you because as much as I was complaining, you tried to keep me positive.  That Monday was a mess, and I don't think I could have gotten through it without you. The thing that leaks out of you is joy, and the ability to make anyone laugh no matter what.  Thank you so much for that, I love that I can be your friend. I love you REALLY!?.

Thank you Tervoreovreor. Thank you for helping me to be more spontaneous. I needed that. Even though there is a time to be focused, there is also a time to do anything that pops into your head. I have been able to experience so many different, weird, and interesting things because of you. Thank you for being my friend.  I love you Tervoreovreor.

Thank you domthebomb.com. My goodness gracious, I don't know if you realize how amazing and great of a person you are.  I have a friend who has never met you, but just from seeing you talk to others, etc... she says that you are spectacular person who is going to do great things. And having known you personally, I know as a fact that you will go on to do great things.  You know why? It's not because your talented, even though you are, its because you are a hard worker.  Thank you for helping me know that hard work and dedication will help me succeed. I love you Dom.

Thank you Bertha Shirley.  Thank you so much.  Wow have you impacted my life, and for the better.  You are so beautiful inside and out. No matter who you are talking to, or who you are with, kindness, light, and joy radiate from you. I am so lucky to be your friend. Although not much got accomplished in our study groups, I would not take back a second for I hope that some of your kindness was able to rub off on me. Thank you for reminding me to read.  I love reading, but I have forgotten that I do.  However, you have rekindled my love for reading, and I can't thank you enough for that.  The world would be a much better place if we all just read more. You are the definition of a true friend, thank you so much, I love you.

Friday, June 6, 2014

1:10 A.M.

        I had such high hopes that I would be able to sleep on the plane, but that dream has been horribly crushed.  Why did I even think that I could sleep on a plane when the only other time that I could do it included a first class seat.  Tomorrow is going to suck.  I just wish that I could sleep, but sitting in the middle seat won't allow that.  I was planning on wearing basketball shorts, but my mom told me to wear sweats so that I would "be comfortable".  I knew that they would be way to hot to sleep in, and I didn't want to have to wear them for the entire day after.  I decided that I would wear them, but leave the shorts in my carry-on so I could switch them out.  But guess what, I forgot to put them in my bag.  So that is what inspires this post.
As I sit here with my legs on fire, and my eyes watering because I am blasting the cold air from the ceiling, so many thoughts are rushing through my head.  Most of them include: "why the heck did you forget to put the shorts in your bag" and, "will there be a time and place to buy more somewhere else?" and, "hopefully I don't fall asleep in one of the shows I'm supposed to see tomorrow/today."  I'm  also thinking about other things.  I wonder what will become of my friends.  I believe all of them have the potential to become someone of great worth and value.  However, I don't know if all of them will take that advantage.  I hope with all my heart and soul that they will.  They are my friends, I live to see them succeed, but I worry when I see them fall, and instead of becoming stronger, they become weaker.
Thinking of NYC makes me think of musicals, in particular Pippin.  I feel like Pippin right now.  If you aren't a nerd like me and don't know what Pippin is, then go look it up because I'm not explaining it.  I'm looking for my "Corner of the Sky".  Or rather, I know what it is, but I'm not taking the time and effort to achieve it.  The answer is love, family, kindness, charity, faith, hope.
It's now 1:32, and my eyes are tired, but my body is not.  I'm hoping that writing all of these thoughts down will help me become more tired, and forget my legs that are on fire (a fire that was created by the devil himself).  I can't really tell if its working, let me keep going.
Alright, so I am listening to the album Tapestry by Carol King.  The song that I am listening to right now is so beautiful.  It is called "You've Got a Friend".  No, this is not the same song from Toy Story, although that one is good too.  It just helps me to remember that there are so many people that have brightened up my life.  It also helps me to remember to be a good friend to others.  It is our job in life to help others up, and as we help others up, they support us too.  "Keep your head together, and call my name out loud...soon, you'll hear me knocking at your door."  "Now ain't it good to know that you've got a friend, when people can be so cold? They'll hurt you, yes and desert you, and take your soul if you let them, oh but don't you let them...just call out my name, and wherever I am I will come running to see you again."  Anytime you need someone, I am right here.
Ah, now I'm listening to "Tapestry", which is a very beautiful song.  She talks about how how elaborate our lives are.  Our lives are beautiful tapestries woven in gold.  Mark Twain said once that if a biography was written on someone's life, no matter who it was, it would become a best selling novel.  All of our lives are special and elaborate.  Everyone has gone through unspeakable trials, and wonderful joys.  I guess I should now talk about the song "Elaborate Lives", from Aida.  All of us have our ambitions, but what is beautiful is that we can share that with another person.  Time is precious, we play games that we can't all win.  It is a challenge to achieve your goals, but what would they mean if they weren't challenging?  There is stinking lightning right outside the airplane.  First of all, that just makes it harder for me to want to sleep.  Second off, our lives are so stinking exciting and spectacular.  Sure you could sit inside your house all day watching T.V., playing video games, or playing Pokemon, but don't you want to do something more?  I took a 30 minute walk one day by myself, this is a few years ago, and it will be something that I will never forget.  I walked down to the pond that is close to my house, and went through the secret passage that leads to a waterfall.  I sat on a bench near the waterfall.  As I sat, I did two things.  I breathed, and I thought.  I took my dog that I had at the time, and he sat quietly beside my side allowing me to think.  My life was pretty crazy at that time, but letting myself think in silence was the best thing that I could have done at the time.  My mind felt so clear, and I knew exactly what I needed to do.
It is now 2:07, and I just realized that I am seeing Newsies tonight.  I love the music and dancing in it, and that is about it.  Shoot, I'm going to fall asleep in it huh.  There will be those long boring scenes with all the old people talking about something boring, and that is when I will fall asleep.  I also think that by writing, I have made it harder for myself to sleep.  Why does inspiration always come at the most inopportune times?  Why am I complaining? I am on a plane headed to NYC!  I'm going with all of my friends, and we will make so many wonderful memories.
I can't stop staring out the window, it is so mesmerizing.  Crazy weather is my favorite, well, right next to a hot sunny summer day.  Darn it, I just woke up Ardon and T.J., I didn't mean to, I just sneezed.  I don't know if they know why they woke up, but they did and they are trying to sleep some more.  But Ardon, since I know that you will be reading this, now you know why you woke up when you were in your deep sleep.  Hopefully I can sleep, pray for me that I can find some shut eye.

P.S. There is a little bit of light coming from the young sunrise.            

Monday, May 5, 2014

Chocolate Semifreddo.

They were old and in the hospital, her time was coming to an end.  He sat by her side as he had done for the past 62 years.  He always loved her, and he would continue to love her.  His hands warmed hers as her heart beat slowed.  He wasn't sad, he didn't even cry.  The only thing he thought about was how beautiful she was, and all the time that he was able to have to love her.  "Thank you," he said, "I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you for all that you have given me."  He bent down and kissed her forehead.  "I love you," he said.  "I love you too," she replied.  He sat smiling at her as she closed her eyes and drifted off.

My Mind: chopped and fried with a garnish of madness.

I'm a spontaneous person, right?  I mean, sometimes you say that I have to think through everything I do before I do it, but I have my moments of sheer blind spontaneity.  That is the problem with me.  I either overthink and overanalyzes things to the point that my brain turns to mush and I end up not doing anything.  Or my mind sits and does nothing as it watches my body go and do random things at random places with random people.  I wish I had not only the strength to do the things that I need to accomplish, but also the control.
Yes, sometimes I wish that I could hide under a rock and never come out.  Just let my mind and body rot and never exist again.  But I also sometimes wish that I could fly like a bird, letting my doubts and fears get pulled off my body like a wave on a beach.  My body aches when my friends, those I love with all my heart, lose it.  Lose their minds, their hearts, their feet, being crazy enough to think that they can't get them back (even though they can).  Their mirrors are not just cracked, but have dramatically broken into thousands of pieces and the pieces have artfully sprinkled the ground.  They see the task of putting the pieces back together too great a feat to undertake so they walk away, trying to forget.   I wish that I could fix it for them, but only they know how to put it back together themselves.  Yes, there is the whole "you can bring a horse to water" scenario, but is that what I should be doing?  Using ALL of my strength and energy to push and pull them just so they can stare at their reflections in the water?  Yes, I should, because how do I know if they will drink or not?
I love you, I care about you, I want you to succeed.  I am not just saying this to one particular person, I am saying this to you.  Yes you, the person who is reading this.  Don't ever give up, that is a sign of weakness.  Are you weak? Heck no! You are so incredibly, undeniably, strong.  You may say I'm mad, but hey, the best people are.
I hope you enjoyed the main course, have you saved room for dessert?

The Appetizer: A Refreshing, Light Salad.

          The sun rose.  It was unspeakably beautiful.  The long trek up the mountain that started at 3 in the morning...was finally worth it.  No one spoke a word.  We could hear birds singing, and that was all.  It was like being reborn, and we all got to experience it together.  We were all good friends, but as the sun stretched its light over the valley, we somehow became more than friends, just for that moment.  It was exhilarating, but also calming.  For just that period of time, I felt perfectly fine about everything.  

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Quote One

One of the most memorable quotes I know came from a random place.  While my family was on a vacation in San Diego, we decided to go swimming.  My aunt was in the hot tub as a really cool, young Australian guy with his children showed up.  His children played in the pool as he talked to my aunt in the hot tub.  He told her something that he always tells his children, and something he lives by: respect each other's wishes.  That has stayed with me for all these years, I always think about it every once in a while.  Sometimes we worry so much about ourselves that we neglect the wishes of others. 

Respect other's wishes.
-amazing Australian guy

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

vorfreude


Hey there.  I've thought about you a lot while I'm dreaming.  Whether that is day or night, I guess you could say both.  It's what gets me off my lazy bum and start doing things.  My life is quite blurry at times, but there are a few things that I can see clearly, and you are one of them  ...even if I have never met you...  I love you.  You help me see the things I need to clean up in my life.  Like my room, and my schoolwork, but you also help me to be strong.  To say sorry for things I've done wrong.  To keep pushing onward and upward.  To see life a little bit brighter than I normally would.

I feel a fluttering in my stomach just thinking about you, that makes me kind of scared for what will happen when I actually meet you.  I wonder if you have thought about me.  I can only hope that I can live up to your expectations because heaven knows that that will take some work.  Maybe I think about the future too much, but I know I can't stop thinking about you.  I should probably be studying for my APUS history test that I am not prepared for...at all.  Instead, I am reminiscing about the future, the adventures we will have, the love that we will share.  I'm falling for your eyes, even though they don't know me yet.
 

Sunday, March 30, 2014

flame and smoke


His hands were charred from the fire and bleeding from the lacerations.  He looked up at what he had done then back at his hands.  He fell to his knees with his head down and wept.  His face would be in his hands if it weren't for the burns.  This had happened before, but this time he knew what to do.  However, he couldn't bring himself to do it.  He sat there feeling the pull in him, but he didn't move.  The pain rippled through his whole body as he stared at his hands.  He tried not to feel the pain, he thought that time would heal them.  However, the flames got bigger, and as they got bigger, they got closer to him.

They were beautiful, and hot.  He did not want to feel the pain, but he sat still.  He was not crying anymore, and his face was expressionless.  Soon the flames would envelope him if he did not move.  They almost surrounded him, tall and loud and fierce.  But he didn't listen or feel or move. His hands did not create the fire, but they were the things that touched it.  As the flames got closer, his mind numbed until suddenly a wave washed over him.  It wasn't over the blistering fire, for it was over his mind.  He remembered again.  He remembered his potential, and how he didn't have to hurt anymore if he didn't want to. It was difficult, but he stood up, turned around, and leapt through the fire.  It took all his strength to jump, but he was free of the flames.  He ran far away from the flames, and never returned like he had before.  He tried to forget them, and instead remember love, friendship, sacrifice, and kindness.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Back in the summer.

I am sorry.

I am sorry that I lied after you told the truth.


The distant sound of the children playing on the playground behind us mixed with the sound of the stream at our feet and the breeze through the tree that stretched above us.  The sun was about to set,  and the sky started turning peach.  Everything was so calm.  We talked for hours, and although it didn't seem like I said much, my mind was racing.  I didn't know what to think.

We decided to walk.

My head and heart started speaking, and I couldn't decide which was saying what.

"You don't want to live with regrets."

"Is this something you really want?"

"You will be happier."

"You will be more melancholy."

"Be frank."

"Take a chance."

The more we were together, the more I listened to my head.  The perfect picture started becoming clearer and clearer.  But there was a tugging within me all the while.  I ignored the tugging and made myself think that it could happen.

I said yes, and leaped.



I leaped and started falling, but it wasn't me that hit the ground.

Our friendship has been so good and true.  I can rely on you, and I know that you can rely on me.  The love we share is stronger than what it would have been.  I am so sorry for what I did.  I knew the feelings you had and I wanted to match it, but I couldn't.

I care so much about you...

please forgive me?

Monday, March 3, 2014

The Two Wolves

     Everything around me is blurry. Time is moving too fast for me to keep up, but too slow to feel alive.  My body seems so heavy to hold up, and it feels like a chore to breathe.  My eyes allow me to see only the bad and ugly things.

     Everything around me is so clear.  I cherish the time I have with my friends and family.  I feel energetic and happy.  I know that each of us have our many trials, but that we have the strength to overcome them.  I notice the immense beauty in this life.  In people, the sky, and in literature.  I take time for myself to breath and think of how wonderful it is to be alive.
    
    
     Both of these scenarios are extremes.  Believe me when I say that I have never felt either one of these to that extent, although I have gotten very close.  It is more of a mixture of both, sometimes leaning towards one more than the other.  I like to think that I am closer to the second scenario, but I have had my share of the first.  Some people seem, from the outside at least, that they are in a perpetual state of happiness, and they are 100% a "second scenario person".  Even though that is impossible, the people who seem to be that way can be unbelievably annoying. 
     Each of these scenes are in each of us.  The type of person we can be (1 or 2 scenario) can be effected by what happens around us.  But more, it is how we react to those things that happen to us.

Friday, February 21, 2014

la douleur exquise

He is courageous, bold, full of light,
She is smart, pretty, inventive.
He catches the wind like a kite,
She is at the end holding firm.
He loves that he can talk to her,
She loves the sparkle in his eyes.
He has big plans for his future,
She lives in the present moment.
He passes her in the hallway,
She smiles inside and outside.
He sees just another school day,
She sees another day with him.
He plans to find the perfect one.
She knows she is the one.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

If


      This is one of my favorite poems.  It takes so much courage and strength to do the things it says.  As I relate to these things in my life, I realize that I have a long way to go.  I am good in some areas, but worse in others.  Consider comparing the poem to your life to see where you are on the long journey to becoming a man.
      Just the first two lines are a prevalent issue in my life right now.  It seems that everyone around me is losing their minds, and I am being blamed for it.  I also feel like I am losing my mind.  But I have a choice to trust myself and to keep my head about me. 
     I quote the end of the second stanza: "...or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, and stoop and build'em up with worn out tools."  I have had to do this a few times in my life, and it can be very painful.  The ability to do this shows your courage.  It would be so easy to just give up, but what would that make you? A coward.
   I hope that I can "own the earth and everything that's in it, ...and become a Man..."  The journey is steep and lengthy, and although it is tough, it is well worth it in the end.