flame and smoke

His hands were charred from the fire and bleeding from the lacerations.  He looked up at what he had done then back at his hands.  He fell to his knees with his head down and wept.  His face would be in his hands if it weren't for the burns.  This had happened before, but this time he knew what to do.  However, he couldn't bring himself to do it.  He sat there feeling the pull in him, but he didn't move.  The pain rippled through his whole body as he stared at his hands.  He tried not to feel the pain, he thought that time would heal them.  However, the flames got bigger, and as they got bigger, they got closer to him.

They were beautiful, and hot.  He did not want to feel the pain, but he sat still.  He was not crying anymore, and his face was expressionless.  Soon the flames would envelope him if he did not move.  They almost surrounded him, tall and loud and fierce.  But he didn't listen or feel or move. His hands did not create the fire, but they were the things that touched it.  As the flames got closer, his mind numbed until suddenly a wave washed over him.  It wasn't over the blistering fire, for it was over his mind.  He remembered again.  He remembered his potential, and how he didn't have to hurt anymore if he didn't want to. It was difficult, but he stood up, turned around, and leapt through the fire.  It took all his strength to jump, but he was free of the flames.  He ran far away from the flames, and never returned like he had before.  He tried to forget them, and instead remember love, friendship, sacrifice, and kindness.

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Back in the summer.

I am sorry.

I am sorry that I lied after you told the truth.

The distant sound of the children playing on the playground behind us mixed with the sound of the stream at our feet and the breeze through the tree that stretched above us.  The sun was about to set,  and the sky started turning peach.  Everything was so calm.  We talked for hours, and although it didn't seem like I said much, my mind was racing.  I didn't know what to think.

We decided to walk.

My head and heart started speaking, and I couldn't decide which was saying what.

"You don't want to live with regrets."

"Is this something you really want?"

"You will be happier."

"You will be more melancholy."

"Be frank."

"Take a chance."

The more we were together, the more I listened to my head.  The perfect picture started becoming clearer and clearer.  But there was a tugging within me all the while.  I ignored the tugging and made myself think that it could happen.

I said yes, and leaped.

I leaped and started falling, but it wasn't me that hit the ground.

Our friendship has been so good and true.  I can rely on you, and I know that you can rely on me.  The love we share is stronger than what it would have been.  I am so sorry for what I did.  I knew the feelings you had and I wanted to match it, but I couldn't.

I care so much about you...

please forgive me?

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The Two Wolves

     Everything around me is blurry. Time is moving too fast for me to keep up, but too slow to feel alive.  My body seems so heavy to hold up, and it feels like a chore to breathe.  My eyes allow me to see only the bad and ugly things.

     Everything around me is so clear.  I cherish the time I have with my friends and family.  I feel energetic and happy.  I know that each of us have our many trials, but that we have the strength to overcome them.  I notice the immense beauty in this life.  In people, the sky, and in literature.  I take time for myself to breath and think of how wonderful it is to be alive.
    

    
     Both of these scenarios are extremes.  Believe me when I say that I have never felt either one of these to that extent, although I have gotten very close.  It is more of a mixture of both, sometimes leaning towards one more than the other.  I like to think that I am closer to the second scenario, but I have had my share of the first.  Some people seem, from the outside at least, that they are in a perpetual state of happiness, and they are 100% a "second scenario person".  Even though that is impossible, the people who seem to be that way can be unbelievably annoying. 
     Each of these scenes are in each of us.  The type of person we can be (1 or 2 scenario) can be effected by what happens around us.  But more, it is how we react to those things that happen to us.

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la douleur exquise

He is courageous, bold, full of light,

She is smart, pretty, inventive.

He catches the wind like a kite,

She is at the end holding firm.

He loves that he can talk to her,

She loves the sparkle in his eyes.

He has big plans for his future,

She lives in the present moment.

He passes her in the hallway,

She smiles inside and outside.

He sees just another school day,

She sees another day with him.

He plans to find the perfect one.

She knows she is the one.

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If

      This is one of my favorite poems.  It takes so much courage and strength to do the things it says.  As I relate to these things in my life, I realize that I have a long way to go.  I am good in some areas, but worse in others.  Consider comparing the poem to your life to see where you are on the long journey to becoming a man.
      Just the first two lines are a prevalent issue in my life right now.  It seems that everyone around me is losing their minds, and I am being blamed for it.  I also feel like I am losing my mind.  But I have a choice to trust myself and to keep my head about me. 
     I quote the end of the second stanza: "...or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, and stoop and build'em up with worn out tools."  I have had to do this a few times in my life, and it can be very painful.  The ability to do this shows your courage.  It would be so easy to just give up, but what would that make you? A coward.
   I hope that I can "own the earth and everything that's in it, ...and become a Man..."  The journey is steep and lengthy, and although it is tough, it is well worth it in the end.

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My Grandpa's Life

An amazing person passed away yesterday, my Grandpa.  He was a spectacular and fascinating man.  He accomplished so much during his life.  Although it was tough losing him, the last moments in the hospital with him and all my family will be something I will never forget.  It was stunning how much love there was in the room.  A couple hours before he passed, all of my aunts and uncles went around telling a simple memory of him.  I was able to learn so much about him and his accomplishments, his personality, his younger life, and so much more.  We were all laughing as we remembered funny things.  We decided that we would sing a few songs.  The feeling in the room was felt so peaceful.  It was a privilege to know this man, let alone that he was my Grandpa.  He was such a hard working man, he worked on B-52 in WWII, as he served in the air force.  He helped NASA with the space shuttle to the moon.  He also raised eight children, leaving behind a strong legacy.  I am honored that I could be named after him.  Love ya Grandpa!

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Doors

Everyone has doors, some are closed, some are wide open, some are cracked slightly, and some are locked completely. There is magnificent beauty behind everyone’s doors.  There is immense happiness, staggering sadness, etc…  I’m not saying we all need to have our doors open wide for the entire world to see, but keeping it ajar can be very helpful.  Letting people in when you are having a hard time can help release the stress and heartache that could potentially build up behind a locked door.  It takes enormous faith and trust when opening the door to others, because opening it makes you vulnerable.  I just want you to know that I will never purposefully do anything to hurt you, and if I do, I will beg for your forgiveness.

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