Your so called "black folder" is so unattractive. I cringed when you first told me about it. We all have our "black folder" but some of us let it consume us. You have let it consume you. I want to help you so desperately, but you have to let me in. Try to remember who you are, for that person was beautiful inside and out. You are not the person that you used to be, and I'm one of those people who believe that there is still a bit of your old self in there somewhere.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Monday, August 4, 2014
Please Little Lamb...
I know you aren't trying to hurt me, but that is what is hurting me the most. Can't you see that I treasure every moment I'm with you? I still have the letter you gave me a year ago, and I read it constantly. I bet you didn't know that I still have it. I don't even know if you remember writing it. Reading it makes me feel so complete. For the one minute that I read it, I actually feel like I've made an impact on someone's life. Then the words fade, and with it, the grand feeling. I want to believe that those words are still true, but it's starting to look just like ink on paper to me.
Sometimes people leave you, halfway through the wood, but some will fade in and out. We have one year left until you fade out, and I hope you can fade in for some of the time before that. My biggest fear is regret. Don't make me regret our distance this next year. I love your honesty, your smile, your love, your realness. I thought I didn't need to put on a big show for you to stay, I still don't think I do, but that's what I'm doing right now. Please please please stay. I have this gut feeling that you are still supposed to teach me something. Or I'm suppose to teach you something, and you can't just ignore gut feelings. I know you don't see it as throwing everything away, but that is completely how I see it. I don't want to leave on a bad note. I want to leave feeling complete, good, finished. Not with my mouth agape with wonder, confusion, and regret. I hate that word: regret. Please please please don't be my biggest regret.
I felt ok holding you,
I didn't feel fire but I felt comforted,
You are the lost lamb that can't be found,
Just as I find you,
You run away again.
Now I'm lost looking for you,
The worry that your gone for good,
The feeling that I need to look a little harder,
The regret that I hope won't follow.
Please be one less regret in my life.
Sometimes people leave you, halfway through the wood, but some will fade in and out. We have one year left until you fade out, and I hope you can fade in for some of the time before that. My biggest fear is regret. Don't make me regret our distance this next year. I love your honesty, your smile, your love, your realness. I thought I didn't need to put on a big show for you to stay, I still don't think I do, but that's what I'm doing right now. Please please please stay. I have this gut feeling that you are still supposed to teach me something. Or I'm suppose to teach you something, and you can't just ignore gut feelings. I know you don't see it as throwing everything away, but that is completely how I see it. I don't want to leave on a bad note. I want to leave feeling complete, good, finished. Not with my mouth agape with wonder, confusion, and regret. I hate that word: regret. Please please please don't be my biggest regret.
I felt ok holding you,
I didn't feel fire but I felt comforted,
You are the lost lamb that can't be found,
Just as I find you,
You run away again.
Now I'm lost looking for you,
The worry that your gone for good,
The feeling that I need to look a little harder,
The regret that I hope won't follow.
Please be one less regret in my life.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Goodbye
The most painful goodbye is one that is not explained. So here it goes...
To the Demons,
Nobody likes you, go home.
Love,
Jack
To the person I've never met,
I used to be like you... no, I really did. I assumed things like crazy, but I've learned the simple but completely true statement: "there is more to people than meets the eye." I used to use just my eyes, but then I learned how to use my heart. It's really fun, I would try it sometime.
Love,
The person you hate
To the girl who once was on fire,
You used to radiate light, now you radiate something else, and I feel like I now why. I just hope I'm wrong. My advice: don't let their mistakes define them, look at how they recover. I'm sick of saying sorry, so I'm going to say goodbye.
Love,
Your igniter
To the girl with the hatred,
You wish people would change, I wish that you would find people that you don't think need changing.
Love,
The person you stole from
To the man with his mouth on fire,
You have taught me many valuable lessons, but I think that the semester is over. I hope we can meet again under a different light.
Love,
Your biggest fan
To the red shirt,
I don't want to say goodbye, but it's for the better. We will meet again soon.
Love,
Jack
To the balloon,
Let out some air, it might be good for you. De-stress yourself man, there is no reason for all this hot air. Let it out slowly, I'll see you soon.
Love,
The needle
To the girl who can't sort out her priorities,
I've pretty much never seen you do anything for anyone else. Everything is about you. You need to sort out what is important. Serve others, and work hard for things you believe in. Take these two things, please.
Love,
Your friend
To the person I thought I knew,
You tricked me, and I feel dooped. I thought your heart was warm, but it turned out it was cold as moonlight.
Love,
That person you are trying to forget
To the small one,
When you see me, you jump up and down and scream and laugh. I guess it's all just a performance, and I don't like just being your audience. I wish we could have just been equals.
Love,
The person you forgot.
To the wasted time,
Life is too short for time that is not spent doing something productive. Hard work is challenging but it is one of the most rewarding things that I can do.
Love,
Jack
To the Demons,
Nobody likes you, go home.
Love,
Jack
To the person I've never met,
I used to be like you... no, I really did. I assumed things like crazy, but I've learned the simple but completely true statement: "there is more to people than meets the eye." I used to use just my eyes, but then I learned how to use my heart. It's really fun, I would try it sometime.
Love,
The person you hate
To the girl who once was on fire,
You used to radiate light, now you radiate something else, and I feel like I now why. I just hope I'm wrong. My advice: don't let their mistakes define them, look at how they recover. I'm sick of saying sorry, so I'm going to say goodbye.
Love,
Your igniter
To the girl with the hatred,
You wish people would change, I wish that you would find people that you don't think need changing.
Love,
The person you stole from
To the man with his mouth on fire,
You have taught me many valuable lessons, but I think that the semester is over. I hope we can meet again under a different light.
Love,
Your biggest fan
To the red shirt,
I don't want to say goodbye, but it's for the better. We will meet again soon.
Love,
Jack
To the balloon,
Let out some air, it might be good for you. De-stress yourself man, there is no reason for all this hot air. Let it out slowly, I'll see you soon.
Love,
The needle
To the girl who can't sort out her priorities,
I've pretty much never seen you do anything for anyone else. Everything is about you. You need to sort out what is important. Serve others, and work hard for things you believe in. Take these two things, please.
Love,
Your friend
To the person I thought I knew,
You tricked me, and I feel dooped. I thought your heart was warm, but it turned out it was cold as moonlight.
Love,
That person you are trying to forget
To the small one,
When you see me, you jump up and down and scream and laugh. I guess it's all just a performance, and I don't like just being your audience. I wish we could have just been equals.
Love,
The person you forgot.
To the wasted time,
Life is too short for time that is not spent doing something productive. Hard work is challenging but it is one of the most rewarding things that I can do.
Love,
Jack
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
What Am I...
What I see...
I see the beautiful sunset. It's orange and pink. The sky above me is a lovely blue, and behind me, it's a delicious purple sprinkled with twinkling lights. Cars are driving past me, and the lights flash on me for a split second making me feel very exposed.
What I hear...
I hear crickets, which make me very happy. I also hear the sprinklers in people's yards, which also makes me happy. I hear some loud voices a few houses over, which is kind of weird. I can hear the cars on the highway just outside the neighborhood. Overall, it's a quiet sort of sound.
What I smell...
I smell Summer. Words can not describe how happy this makes me. It just smells so clear and fresh. I love filling in my lungs full of the wondrous scent. I hope it's doing good for my lungs.
What I remember...
I remember my childhood. Looking at the different houses and the different winding roads, I'm reminded of my fights, my quarrels, but also my fun. Just across the street, there lives a kid the same age as me. We used to be best friends when I moved here, but we haven't talked since seventh grade. This makes me sad, but I don't regret knowing him, because it's what I needed at that time. I remember when I used to ride my bike every single day of the Summer, and all I wanted to do was play.
What I feel...
I feel peace. Which is a big difference from just a few hours ago. I'm outside in my favorite time of day, in my favorite time of year. Nothing can beat a sunset on a Summer night. I really do feel peaceful right now. I don't know if it's because of what I am seeing, or hearing, or smelling, or the fact that I'm not really doing anything right now, but I love this feeling. I haven't had a moment like this in a long time, I need to have more of them.
Who I am...
My name is Jack Hoffer, I know why I'm here, I know what I'm supposed to do, and I know where I am going. Hard decisions will need to be made, but I will have help. I am peaceful, I am strong, and I can find people that will help me the most.
The sunset is now gone, leaving just a hazy light blue. I feel cold, and the smell is less bright...But I am still peaceful. Just because the sunset leaves, it doesn't mean the peace has to leave too. Just learn to be a peaceful person, take time for yourself, and try to find it. No matter what you want in life, you can achieve it. And I promise that if you really want peace, all you have to do is look, and you will find it.
Always remember, never forget.
I see the beautiful sunset. It's orange and pink. The sky above me is a lovely blue, and behind me, it's a delicious purple sprinkled with twinkling lights. Cars are driving past me, and the lights flash on me for a split second making me feel very exposed.
What I hear...
I hear crickets, which make me very happy. I also hear the sprinklers in people's yards, which also makes me happy. I hear some loud voices a few houses over, which is kind of weird. I can hear the cars on the highway just outside the neighborhood. Overall, it's a quiet sort of sound.
What I smell...
I smell Summer. Words can not describe how happy this makes me. It just smells so clear and fresh. I love filling in my lungs full of the wondrous scent. I hope it's doing good for my lungs.
What I remember...
I remember my childhood. Looking at the different houses and the different winding roads, I'm reminded of my fights, my quarrels, but also my fun. Just across the street, there lives a kid the same age as me. We used to be best friends when I moved here, but we haven't talked since seventh grade. This makes me sad, but I don't regret knowing him, because it's what I needed at that time. I remember when I used to ride my bike every single day of the Summer, and all I wanted to do was play.
What I feel...
I feel peace. Which is a big difference from just a few hours ago. I'm outside in my favorite time of day, in my favorite time of year. Nothing can beat a sunset on a Summer night. I really do feel peaceful right now. I don't know if it's because of what I am seeing, or hearing, or smelling, or the fact that I'm not really doing anything right now, but I love this feeling. I haven't had a moment like this in a long time, I need to have more of them.
Who I am...
My name is Jack Hoffer, I know why I'm here, I know what I'm supposed to do, and I know where I am going. Hard decisions will need to be made, but I will have help. I am peaceful, I am strong, and I can find people that will help me the most.
The sunset is now gone, leaving just a hazy light blue. I feel cold, and the smell is less bright...But I am still peaceful. Just because the sunset leaves, it doesn't mean the peace has to leave too. Just learn to be a peaceful person, take time for yourself, and try to find it. No matter what you want in life, you can achieve it. And I promise that if you really want peace, all you have to do is look, and you will find it.
Always remember, never forget.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Quiet
My heart is clouded and confused. It used to beat with a certain joyous rhythm, but the beats have become unsteady. I'm just waiting for it to get back to its normal tempo like it always does, but it hasn't yet. You need to help me to remember to breathe, slowly and steadily. I just get scared so easily, and it makes me feel like my heart is jumping out of my chest. I need you. I need to have someone to be open with and feel safe with. I need to start over, and I want you there with me. I don't feel lonely, or at least I shouldn't feel lonely. I need to achieve my balance again, but it's quite hard with my eyes closed.
I'm doing my best to open my eyes at this moment. It's a little hard because they have been shut for so long. I just need to try a little harder...
*********************************************************************************
Wow. This world is beautiful. There are so many colors. My eyes are dripping, it's been a long time since I have looked around.
Its so warm and quiet. Not silent, but quiet. "Like the sound of a page being turned in a book, or a pause in a walk in the woods... Like the sound when you lie upside down in your bed. Just the sound of your heart in your head." -Matilda.
And the beating of my heart is steady. And I'm breathing. And the people yelling... the sounds... I can't hear them.
And I'm warm, and its quiet.
I'm doing my best to open my eyes at this moment. It's a little hard because they have been shut for so long. I just need to try a little harder...
*********************************************************************************
Wow. This world is beautiful. There are so many colors. My eyes are dripping, it's been a long time since I have looked around.
Its so warm and quiet. Not silent, but quiet. "Like the sound of a page being turned in a book, or a pause in a walk in the woods... Like the sound when you lie upside down in your bed. Just the sound of your heart in your head." -Matilda.
And the beating of my heart is steady. And I'm breathing. And the people yelling... the sounds... I can't hear them.
And I'm warm, and its quiet.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Thank You
This is the first time I've ever done one of these types of posts. However, through doing this, I have learned that there is a lot of things and people in this world to be grateful for.
Thank you Heeley. You have helped me see the world in a different perspective, more different than I ever would if I didn't know you. You are so creative, your creativeness leaks out of you wherever you go, I try to salvage as much of it as I can for myself. Sometimes it works, but its hard. You are a true friend, thank you so much, I love you. You are such an amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, bad*** girl.
Thank you arDON. You are such an inspiration to me. Just as Heeley's creativeness leaks from her, your kindness and generosity leak from you. You can never be thanked enough for all that you do for others. I love that you are my friend, and that I can rely on you for anything. Seeing you happy and smiling, makes me happy too. I love you arDON.
Thank you Kay Kay. You brighten my day by like ten notches when I see you. My mom asked me who out of my friends is the best influence on me and I said you. You make me want to be a better person, and thats more than I could ask anyone for. We need to have a scheduled Dear Lizzie run every week or something because I cherished that one time. Thank you for your humbleness, it helps me to be more humble. I love you Kay Kay. Thank you for being a wonderful friend.
Thank you REALLY!?. We've gone through a lot haven't we? And I wanted to thank you because as much as I was complaining, you tried to keep me positive. That Monday was a mess, and I don't think I could have gotten through it without you. The thing that leaks out of you is joy, and the ability to make anyone laugh no matter what. Thank you so much for that, I love that I can be your friend. I love you REALLY!?.
Thank you Tervoreovreor. Thank you for helping me to be more spontaneous. I needed that. Even though there is a time to be focused, there is also a time to do anything that pops into your head. I have been able to experience so many different, weird, and interesting things because of you. Thank you for being my friend. I love you Tervoreovreor.
Thank you domthebomb.com. My goodness gracious, I don't know if you realize how amazing and great of a person you are. I have a friend who has never met you, but just from seeing you talk to others, etc... she says that you are spectacular person who is going to do great things. And having known you personally, I know as a fact that you will go on to do great things. You know why? It's not because your talented, even though you are, its because you are a hard worker. Thank you for helping me know that hard work and dedication will help me succeed. I love you Dom.
Thank you Bertha Shirley. Thank you so much. Wow have you impacted my life, and for the better. You are so beautiful inside and out. No matter who you are talking to, or who you are with, kindness, light, and joy radiate from you. I am so lucky to be your friend. Although not much got accomplished in our study groups, I would not take back a second for I hope that some of your kindness was able to rub off on me. Thank you for reminding me to read. I love reading, but I have forgotten that I do. However, you have rekindled my love for reading, and I can't thank you enough for that. The world would be a much better place if we all just read more. You are the definition of a true friend, thank you so much, I love you.
Friday, June 6, 2014
1:10 A.M.
I had such high hopes that I would be able to sleep on the plane, but that dream has been horribly crushed. Why did I even think that I could sleep on a plane when the only other time that I could do it included a first class seat. Tomorrow is going to suck. I just wish that I could sleep, but sitting in the middle seat won't allow that. I was planning on wearing basketball shorts, but my mom told me to wear sweats so that I would "be comfortable". I knew that they would be way to hot to sleep in, and I didn't want to have to wear them for the entire day after. I decided that I would wear them, but leave the shorts in my carry-on so I could switch them out. But guess what, I forgot to put them in my bag. So that is what inspires this post.
As I sit here with my legs on fire, and my eyes watering because I am blasting the cold air from the ceiling, so many thoughts are rushing through my head. Most of them include: "why the heck did you forget to put the shorts in your bag" and, "will there be a time and place to buy more somewhere else?" and, "hopefully I don't fall asleep in one of the shows I'm supposed to see tomorrow/today." I'm also thinking about other things. I wonder what will become of my friends. I believe all of them have the potential to become someone of great worth and value. However, I don't know if all of them will take that advantage. I hope with all my heart and soul that they will. They are my friends, I live to see them succeed, but I worry when I see them fall, and instead of becoming stronger, they become weaker.
Thinking of NYC makes me think of musicals, in particular Pippin. I feel like Pippin right now. If you aren't a nerd like me and don't know what Pippin is, then go look it up because I'm not explaining it. I'm looking for my "Corner of the Sky". Or rather, I know what it is, but I'm not taking the time and effort to achieve it. The answer is love, family, kindness, charity, faith, hope.
It's now 1:32, and my eyes are tired, but my body is not. I'm hoping that writing all of these thoughts down will help me become more tired, and forget my legs that are on fire (a fire that was created by the devil himself). I can't really tell if its working, let me keep going.
Alright, so I am listening to the album Tapestry by Carol King. The song that I am listening to right now is so beautiful. It is called "You've Got a Friend". No, this is not the same song from Toy Story, although that one is good too. It just helps me to remember that there are so many people that have brightened up my life. It also helps me to remember to be a good friend to others. It is our job in life to help others up, and as we help others up, they support us too. "Keep your head together, and call my name out loud...soon, you'll hear me knocking at your door." "Now ain't it good to know that you've got a friend, when people can be so cold? They'll hurt you, yes and desert you, and take your soul if you let them, oh but don't you let them...just call out my name, and wherever I am I will come running to see you again." Anytime you need someone, I am right here.
Ah, now I'm listening to "Tapestry", which is a very beautiful song. She talks about how how elaborate our lives are. Our lives are beautiful tapestries woven in gold. Mark Twain said once that if a biography was written on someone's life, no matter who it was, it would become a best selling novel. All of our lives are special and elaborate. Everyone has gone through unspeakable trials, and wonderful joys. I guess I should now talk about the song "Elaborate Lives", from Aida. All of us have our ambitions, but what is beautiful is that we can share that with another person. Time is precious, we play games that we can't all win. It is a challenge to achieve your goals, but what would they mean if they weren't challenging? There is stinking lightning right outside the airplane. First of all, that just makes it harder for me to want to sleep. Second off, our lives are so stinking exciting and spectacular. Sure you could sit inside your house all day watching T.V., playing video games, or playing Pokemon, but don't you want to do something more? I took a 30 minute walk one day by myself, this is a few years ago, and it will be something that I will never forget. I walked down to the pond that is close to my house, and went through the secret passage that leads to a waterfall. I sat on a bench near the waterfall. As I sat, I did two things. I breathed, and I thought. I took my dog that I had at the time, and he sat quietly beside my side allowing me to think. My life was pretty crazy at that time, but letting myself think in silence was the best thing that I could have done at the time. My mind felt so clear, and I knew exactly what I needed to do.
It is now 2:07, and I just realized that I am seeing Newsies tonight. I love the music and dancing in it, and that is about it. Shoot, I'm going to fall asleep in it huh. There will be those long boring scenes with all the old people talking about something boring, and that is when I will fall asleep. I also think that by writing, I have made it harder for myself to sleep. Why does inspiration always come at the most inopportune times? Why am I complaining? I am on a plane headed to NYC! I'm going with all of my friends, and we will make so many wonderful memories.
I can't stop staring out the window, it is so mesmerizing. Crazy weather is my favorite, well, right next to a hot sunny summer day. Darn it, I just woke up Ardon and T.J., I didn't mean to, I just sneezed. I don't know if they know why they woke up, but they did and they are trying to sleep some more. But Ardon, since I know that you will be reading this, now you know why you woke up when you were in your deep sleep. Hopefully I can sleep, pray for me that I can find some shut eye.
P.S. There is a little bit of light coming from the young sunrise.
As I sit here with my legs on fire, and my eyes watering because I am blasting the cold air from the ceiling, so many thoughts are rushing through my head. Most of them include: "why the heck did you forget to put the shorts in your bag" and, "will there be a time and place to buy more somewhere else?" and, "hopefully I don't fall asleep in one of the shows I'm supposed to see tomorrow/today." I'm also thinking about other things. I wonder what will become of my friends. I believe all of them have the potential to become someone of great worth and value. However, I don't know if all of them will take that advantage. I hope with all my heart and soul that they will. They are my friends, I live to see them succeed, but I worry when I see them fall, and instead of becoming stronger, they become weaker.
Thinking of NYC makes me think of musicals, in particular Pippin. I feel like Pippin right now. If you aren't a nerd like me and don't know what Pippin is, then go look it up because I'm not explaining it. I'm looking for my "Corner of the Sky". Or rather, I know what it is, but I'm not taking the time and effort to achieve it. The answer is love, family, kindness, charity, faith, hope.
It's now 1:32, and my eyes are tired, but my body is not. I'm hoping that writing all of these thoughts down will help me become more tired, and forget my legs that are on fire (a fire that was created by the devil himself). I can't really tell if its working, let me keep going.
Alright, so I am listening to the album Tapestry by Carol King. The song that I am listening to right now is so beautiful. It is called "You've Got a Friend". No, this is not the same song from Toy Story, although that one is good too. It just helps me to remember that there are so many people that have brightened up my life. It also helps me to remember to be a good friend to others. It is our job in life to help others up, and as we help others up, they support us too. "Keep your head together, and call my name out loud...soon, you'll hear me knocking at your door." "Now ain't it good to know that you've got a friend, when people can be so cold? They'll hurt you, yes and desert you, and take your soul if you let them, oh but don't you let them...just call out my name, and wherever I am I will come running to see you again." Anytime you need someone, I am right here.
Ah, now I'm listening to "Tapestry", which is a very beautiful song. She talks about how how elaborate our lives are. Our lives are beautiful tapestries woven in gold. Mark Twain said once that if a biography was written on someone's life, no matter who it was, it would become a best selling novel. All of our lives are special and elaborate. Everyone has gone through unspeakable trials, and wonderful joys. I guess I should now talk about the song "Elaborate Lives", from Aida. All of us have our ambitions, but what is beautiful is that we can share that with another person. Time is precious, we play games that we can't all win. It is a challenge to achieve your goals, but what would they mean if they weren't challenging? There is stinking lightning right outside the airplane. First of all, that just makes it harder for me to want to sleep. Second off, our lives are so stinking exciting and spectacular. Sure you could sit inside your house all day watching T.V., playing video games, or playing Pokemon, but don't you want to do something more? I took a 30 minute walk one day by myself, this is a few years ago, and it will be something that I will never forget. I walked down to the pond that is close to my house, and went through the secret passage that leads to a waterfall. I sat on a bench near the waterfall. As I sat, I did two things. I breathed, and I thought. I took my dog that I had at the time, and he sat quietly beside my side allowing me to think. My life was pretty crazy at that time, but letting myself think in silence was the best thing that I could have done at the time. My mind felt so clear, and I knew exactly what I needed to do.
It is now 2:07, and I just realized that I am seeing Newsies tonight. I love the music and dancing in it, and that is about it. Shoot, I'm going to fall asleep in it huh. There will be those long boring scenes with all the old people talking about something boring, and that is when I will fall asleep. I also think that by writing, I have made it harder for myself to sleep. Why does inspiration always come at the most inopportune times? Why am I complaining? I am on a plane headed to NYC! I'm going with all of my friends, and we will make so many wonderful memories.
I can't stop staring out the window, it is so mesmerizing. Crazy weather is my favorite, well, right next to a hot sunny summer day. Darn it, I just woke up Ardon and T.J., I didn't mean to, I just sneezed. I don't know if they know why they woke up, but they did and they are trying to sleep some more. But Ardon, since I know that you will be reading this, now you know why you woke up when you were in your deep sleep. Hopefully I can sleep, pray for me that I can find some shut eye.
P.S. There is a little bit of light coming from the young sunrise.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
